Goodbyes.

Arms wrapping me while I hear lines such as: ‘take care’, ‘see you soon’, ‘I love you, bye’. All I can do in those moments is lightly squeeze people’s backs with my fingers to show what I cannot with words. I envy the people who can say clever punchlines during a hug because it only causes me that lump in throat feeling.

But you don’t hug like that to everybody. One time I was getting out of the building with a bunch of things and the janitor helped me to open the door, then I said “Oh, thanks!” and he answered “Ok, have a good day,”. It fried my little sociability skill, so I made it weird with a “You’re welcome”.

Saying goodbye is always awkward for me. I lost count of the times that people finally say bye but they forgot to tell me something, so they hold me a bit more, and during that time I only wonder: Is this time long enough to have to say bye again, or I can just nod and walk away after they finish?

Last year I had to say bye to a lifelong friend that was leaving the country. I was used to see him everyday in the last 7 years. I was preparing for that moment for months, and I hated every single idea that crossed my mind, so when that moment could not be postponed anymore he said “Well, it’s time,” and hug me. I felt the need to say something but I was too busy trying to breathe, and just at last minute I went “Don’t be afraid”. I don’t know if I said that to him or to myself.

Yesterday I had to say bye to my family one more time to keep working on my dreams, of which, their health is an important part. I got home so exhausted that I could not post my writing practice last night. Not because of the trip, because it was just a 45 minute-flight, but for each one of the 5 hugs that beated me before that, plus a total of 2 hours of holding tight the drops that wanted to embarrass me in front of the strangers traveling with me.

I hate saying goodbye. It doesn’t matter if I will see that person the next day, or in three months, it’s just that precise activity what it is physically terrifying for me.